Julien and Scarlet have gone to San Diego until Saturday. Saturday my dad is coming over to help rip the patio off the house. Yes, we’ll rebuild it and no, I am not quite sure when. I’m hoping my dad rides in with a miracle in the back of his truck but I doubt it. We’ll see… In the meantime S.O. and I have some ideas on improvements and tweaks to make it more friendly so perhaps patio 2.0 will be a total win and all this will have been for some kick-ass goodness.

S.O. and I have had more orders this month than we have had all year combined. If this continues a pay cut won’t even be a blip on the radar… mostly.

What I’m working on right now is gratitude, if you can’t tell. “By the skin of our teeth…” S.O. and I often say, just as we were about to lose it all a saving grace comes through and yanks us back. I’d like to think that we’re being taught to have faith. That maybe that’s the answer to the whole “this life sucks” problem. Faith as small as a mustard seed… I’ve got a little more than that and I’m grateful for it. So many things have taken a radical turn and gone right when it was practically assured it was all going to go very wrong. And, that gratitude thing, when you look at your most used tags in your post stats… well, let’s just say that I’d like to start seeing “happy” and “thankful” show up in that list.

Deirdre and I have been doing some school shopping online. I had nearly forgotten that school starts in just a couple of weeks. Between homeschooling, high school, and college my back to school expenses have been reduced dramatically. It’s nice and I’m thankful. Sure, in the long run teenagers are more expensive, but I can get by with doing a little now so there are some nice, fresh things to enjoy as school starts back in and then do a little more as the weather cools off.

I’ve slept pretty well the last couple of nights. Last night S.O. and I settled in and enjoyed Memphis Beat both of us laughing out loud and pretty hard at several different parts… “What we have here… is a ghost plane.”

S.O. just rolled in fresh from the gym still wearing his athletic shorts, t-shirt, and sunglasses. Today I’m super grateful to see my husband come through the door and to find him so steamy attractive.

and I’m happy to hear my girls giggling in the floor a few feet away from me. I’m grateful all my children are happy and healthy.

and I’m so happy to be going on 4 weeks without anti-depressants as of this Sunday.

It’s not perfect but life is good.

I should have known this morning when I woke up with massive cramps that it was already time to call it a day. Instead I got up, helped Julien with his resume and worked on some business files.

By noon Deirdre and I were putting ourselves together so she could go downtown with me while I got my hair done. I was way excited because I was beyond overdue for a “trim” which ended being a major whacking. I left the salon feeling lighter, cooler, and oh-so pretty. Deirdre and I decided we would stop by Starbuck’s for an iced tea and a snack. We blared the music that the guys make fun of us for blaring and sang along at the top of our lungs happily lost in our own little world.

I swear, if I had had the money we would have just left for the coast for the night, stayed in a cute hotel, had breakfast and come home in the morning.

So there I am wishing I wasn’t “just” Deirdre’s mom and that I was about XX lbs LIGHTER and 20 years younger. Really. I was barreling down the highway in my big ol’ “mom with kids” screaming Suburban heading west as far as I was willing to go without wasting too much gas or more time than I probably should. We drove to the outskirts of town and turned around and came back. All the while I was dreaming of summers in the backyard at my grandparents house, music on the radio, and at least 2 or 3 girls squealing, barefoot, swinging on the porch swing.

Deirdre was telling me about her friend who spends summers on the rodeo circuit with her dad and all the cute cowboys that were hitting on her now. I smiled and told Deirdre how I always seemed to have too big a weak spot for those cowboys and that the ones you always fall for are the biggest heartbreakers. How’d I put it? Ahh, yes, that they are nice to look, sometimes they are fun to touch – but never, NEVER let them go to your heart, girlfriend.

I laughed and told her how her daddy knows about my weak spot and asked if I’d still have him even though he wasn’t one of *those* cowboys. Meaning, boots, hat, and one of those asses that make you shiver when you see them in a pair of jeans. My man is a sort of cross between mountain man and cowboy. He had horses, knows his way around them and knows how to hunt through some very rural and scary mountain parts with a gun and a pack of dogs. After all, he killed his first bear at the age of twelve and it wasn’t a cub by any stretch.

Deirdre smiled and giggled. The kind of giggle that means she gets me and isn’t thinking of me as “ugh, just my mom” for that moment. It was nice.

But, nice wasn’t about to last… because around here nice never does.

I came home to find Julien seeming more wired than usual. S.O. was at my desk trying to get my computer to turn on. Okay, power surges and bullshit are nothing I am unfamiliar with in this oh-so wonderful energy sucking state we live in. As S.O. went out to check the electrical panel (on a house that is barely 4 years old, mind you!) our son let it slip that we had gotten a letter in the mail from city code enforcement.

Code enforcement.

For what?!?!?!?

Oh… because I had a couch sitting in my driveway on Monday when they happened to bring their sorry asses by – because a friend was coming to pick it up.

AND… wait for it…

My patio.

MY PATIO in the REAR OF MY HOUSE. My professionally constructed (by my DAD a BUILDER with a CONTRACTOR’S LICENSE!!!!) outdoor kitchen and patio – why? Oh… because even though it is under 100 Sqft. in this money fucking grubbing economy these cocksuckers are looking for every fucking dime they can get their stupid hands on. We have an existing patio and my dad added on to it. So now they want it permitted. My dad is calling some friends downtown. Thankfully.

It’s fixable, but it’s a royal pain in the ass.

In the meantime, my husband did a quick search on our property and found out that the same floor plan as ours just sold for $80,000.00 LESS than what we owe on our house. After all the modification drama… we were only maybe $20k in the hole… so in that time values have dropped again. Thankfully, there isn’t much we can do except continue to make our house payment and see what happens in the future. Still, S.O. isn’t happy.

Back to the permit bullshit… yeah, well, we have 2 bantam hens in our backyard that are also against code because they are considered livestock even though they aren’t full-size chickens and are bred for pets and show. Which means I am going to have to hide them out like illegal refugees or something.

It’s just more than I want to deal with and I’d just about kill for a couple of months of peace and quiet. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t mean a two month VACATION – I just mean two months were nothing dramatic happens. Where we work and pay bills and raise kids and just live like normal people. That’s all I’m asking for and at this stage in my life – that can’t be asking for THAT much, RIGHT?

It’s Sunday, I’ve had a few beers and one week ago today I stopped taking anti-depressants so I’m feeling pretty good. Good enough to give you a bit of background on my cousin, Jake.

It feels very strange calling him “cousin” since he is only 3 months younger than Julien. Jake’s mother, SZ, and I are close in age. Well… mostly. She was 23 when I was 15 and pregnant with Julien. She was married to my uncle (then 32) who is my stepmother’s older brother. We were pregnant at the same time and my uncle played on the same softball team as my boyfriend at the time (Julien’s sperm donor) along with my dad.

SZ and I were very close. She was the older sister I had never had and someone I could trust. You’d be amazed at how few people there are a pregnant 15 year old can actually trust. I adored her. Jakey was born 3 months after Julien in the same birthing center and same room with the ridiculous mural of the little girl sitting on a crescent moon with her teddy bear or bunny. Whatever it was the mural melted down the wall under the effects of heavy drugs for intense labor pain.

My little boy had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, her little boy had dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. We took them to the park together and attended gymboree classes together with the boys. The boys loved each other and it was nice having someone somewhat close to my age with a baby too. From my perspective it always appeared that SZ lived and died for Jake just as I did with Julien. But, I guess time changes everyone…

SZ and my uncle divorced when Jake was 3. I’m sure my uncle wasn’t the most perfect husband in the world, but the sad fact is that SZ wanted more. A lot more. She left him. From that moment on my uncle’s world was about Jake. He never remarried and rarely dated. He didn’t even drink for 17 years and my uncle used to be a party boy.

SZ on the other hand, married one of those bonehead, jocko, jerks who came from money and often talked about his glory days on the high school football team. Yeah, one of those. He treated Jakey okay for a while until SZ got pregnant with HIS kid. Then all bets were off and Jakey became the second-best… the extra kid. The one beautiful, adorable thing that reminded him of his wife’s previous life.

Jake adores his baby brothers. He has two now. They are in still in elementary school nearing junior high. His stepfather looks like Homer Simpson – I kid you not. The guy is one of those guys that attempts to intimidate other men by trying to “crush” their hand when he shakes hands upon meeting them. He tried it with both S.O. and Julien on the day Jake shipped out to bootcamp.

Over the years (I want to use his first name so badly because it would make you laugh and laugh, I swear) Jake’s stepdad attempted to get heavy handed with Jake – inappropriately so. My uncle quietly took him aside and told him that if he put one more hand on Jake EVER that no one would find his body. My uncle would give any part of his body for Jake in a heartbeat. So the dickhead, “Homer” (ha!) found other ways to make Jake’s life uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, my uncle would have preferred to have full-custody… but SZ emotionally manipulated Jake often using his brothers as leverage.

As it turns out SZ’s son with Homer *snort* has some sort of health issue that has caused him to be obese and not able to be active. Meanwhile Homer seems to think of himself as some sort of specimen of athletic perfection. Not quite.. the man has boobs. It’s gross. ANYway… so there is Jake. He’s perfect, he looks like a young Tom Cruise – no kidding. He’s stunning, graceful, and supremely athletic. So stepdad forced him into football and then wormed his way into a coaching position at the school as well. We have poor air quality here and the heat can be extreme to the point that between the air quality and the heat index – the air is borderline toxic. His stepdad would make Jake workout longer than the rest of the team (longer than legally acceptable – we have strict guidelines here because of the air quality and heat) in 100 – 109 degree heat and then force him to walk 3 miles home with all of his football gear. While his stepdad’s fat ass drove by him in his air conditioned truck.

That stopped when Jake finally called his aunt (my stepmom) and she came and got him. A week later – SZ decided she didn’t like Jake’s hair cut so SHE threw him out of the car on the way to school. Jake was going to be late so he called my stepmom to see if she could give him a ride to school.

Last year my uncle fixed up an older camaro and gave it to Jake. There his mom was married to Mr. Moneybags (he even has his own plane) and getting $2,000.00 a month for Jake in child support from my uncle – and she couldn’t manage to get her kid a car. The other boys are spoiled beyond belief.

Throughout the years, SZ was constantly petitioning the court to increase my uncle’s child support payments and the second Jake turned 18 and the child support stopped she shipped Jake over to his dad’s to live. But, not before she had made sure he signed himself up with the marines. She told him if he didn’t sign up with the marines that she would never allow him to see his brothers again. Seriously. And, Homer had a great deal to do with it because he felt Jake “needed more discipline.”

Discipline my ass. Jake is one of the nicest, sweetest, well-mannered, polite young men you will ever meet.

So Jake moved in with my uncle. After years of being told that my uncle didn’t want him and wouldn’t like him living with him – he soon found out that he and his dad got along great and enjoyed each other’s company. He was asked how it was living with his dad, he said, “It’s great. I always have a little bit of money in my pocket and dad and I always have a good time together.”

All those years of paying $2,000.00 / month child support and SZ couldn’t manage to put a little pocket change in her kid’s wallet? Meanwhile the kid worked at a local Christmas tree lot every year to make money for Christmas.

So, in the end SZ won. My uncle got 5 months of living full-time with his only child before Jake shipped out to the marines. His ship out date was pushed back once, SZ threw a fit and attempted to call the recruiter to get him shipped out on his original date because she was trying to have his send-off party and his high school graduation party be one in the same. In her place, as a mom, I would have been grateful my son was given a few extra weeks. Not this stupid twat. The morning he shipped out SZ threw a temper tantrum and forced him to go to church instead of going out to breakfast with his dad.

If anything happens to that boy… ANYTHING… SZ is going to hear from me and I promise it will be a conversation she will never forget.

Broke the news to S.O. that I’ve been off my anti-depressants for 6 days today.

He was actually more excited than I have heard him in a long time. He told me how proud he was of me and how great it was. He also said something about celebrating and making me a nice dinner. It just felt really amazing to get that kind of support.

Julien went to Scarlet’s for breakfast this morning so the girls (Deirdre and Rowan) and I rocked out to 80′s music… actually, we still are as I am writing this. Currently listening to Lisa Stansfield’s “Been Around The World” – *sigh* takes me back to 8th grade when I could still wear a bikini…

Today is one of those days when it feels like big changes are coming and they are mostly for the better. We got two more orders in and that means we can pay for our e&o insurance and still have a bit left over to keep the business account floating and able to pay business expenses for a while. If things keep going like this – even just 4 orders a month we can keep breathing and buying bottled beer.

What I want to believe more than anything is that the past several weeks have been the final “darkness before the dawn” – do you hear that little hopeful Pollyanna trying to poke her head out from under the bed?