Maybe it’s back to school blues… maybe it’s more than that. Although, I’m not depressed, I don’t think. I’m just a little tired or a lot tired, maybe. I can barely stay up past ten and I’m having a tough time dragging myself out of bed before 8 whereas typically I’m up by 7am or earlier. Certainly Rowan has longer days now that she’s in the first grade. It’s just that somehow I didn’t take into account that her longer days meant longer days for me. Which sounds ridiculous, I know, until you consider that once I’m done with lessons I have to turn around and start working for S.O.

Last night I ended up making dinner after 8pm – enchiladas. Easy, but it does take some maneuvering. I was wiped out after rolling two trays full and went to bed without eating. I can certainly afford to miss a meal or two… so I’m not complaining about that. But, S.O. is complaining that I’m “edgy” and “snappy.”

I get it, we’re both burning it at both ends and one of us doesn’t really get paid while the other one is still looking down the barrel of a pay cut. And, while I’m aware I have a lot to be grateful for (jesus, can’t I just express myself without feeling guilty for it?) house, income, etc. I’m worn out, I’m missing whatever it is that is supposed to recharge my batteries.

I’ve been told I need to take care of myself more. I’m afraid beyond a shower and painting my own toenails, possibly reading a book – that I have no idea how to do this anymore. Maybe I really never did. I’ve never been the “get my nails done and have a pedicure” kind of gal. I’ve had one massage my entire life and it’s been two years since I’ve had a pedicure of any sort. I take bubble baths in the winter, but can hardly bring myself to do that in the summer when it’s so damn hot around here all the time.

As wrong as it is, I occasionally look to S.O. to maybe make some attempt to sweep me off my feet. Maybe a “here, let me take you out for dinner…” and maybe open the door or that sort of thing. Don’t get me wrong, we do that on occasion, but it’s more like “wow, glad we got work finished up, why don’t I buy you a beer.” Which I do appreciate, but it does make me feel more like a co-worker and a whole lot less like a wife.

Blah, maybe I’m just really in need of a three day weekend. I just hope this one doesn’t end up being more work than it’s worth.

“A negative attitude will send you down the road to unhappiness. There is no avoiding it, it will absolutely happen, and it doesn’t matter what the problem. A positive attitude will put you back on The Path to inner peace and happiness. Again, there is no avoiding it, it will absolutely happen, and it doesn’t matter what the problem.” – Neale Donald Walsch

This is my mantra for today. Admittedly, it’s a long mantra but I’m all in. Today is officially the first day of school for Rowan although we are already 3 days ahead which is just 2 days short of my goal to be 5 days ahead. Still 3 is better than none and if I really snap up this week we can get those two extra days as well.

See, Rowan’s school schedule is one week off of Deirdre’s. Rowan gets out for Spring break the week after Deirdre and school is out for Rowan the week after it is out for Deirdre. Which sounds like it is no big deal except then I have to deal with Rowan watching Deirdre enjoy her vacations while she wonders why she is still doing school work. I know, in any other situation I would say, “ahh, it’s a life lesson, stuff isn’t always fair.” Except, Rowan’s dissatisfaction makes it very difficult to teach her anything because she become so uncooperative. I’d rather work a little harder now and have her be a week ahead and thus able to stop when Deirdre stops.

Back to being positive and all that jazz…

In short, I’m trying. It all comes down to a simple choice – do it or don’t. I’m deciding to look at the cup as half full rather than half empty. Sure, my PG&E bill was $700 last month. I paid half of it and will pay the other half in the upcoming weeks. I could get irritated about that because on top of that bill I have other bills coming down the pike as well. But, right now? The bills are paid, nothing is going to get shut off and there won’t be any annoying phone calls. That? Is a good place to be in and I’m going to relish it for a bit.

I’m overweight… but yesterday I glanced at my reflection in the sliding glass door outside and thought – wow, you look cute for being overweight… Good job!

I’m going on two months without anti-depressants and I’m feeling better than I have in years.

Positive, positive, positive. I’m just going to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.

I’d like to beat myself up for being a crappy friend. I have a friend who escaped from her abusive husband and is now traveling across several states to the refuge of family far far from the jerk. I fell asleep the other night and missed her call.

Another friend messaged me on Facebook to help design a blog template. I kind of left her hanging a bit. I know she understands how jacked the first week of school usually is, but still. Ugh. Poor form.

Those are the top two on my guilt list right now. So, to you wonderful women – I apologize. I’m going to do better this week. I promise.

But, all that being said… how are you? Really? Catch me up! You guys are always right there for me and I feel like I’ve been really self-centered lately. I’m sorry.

Onward and upward!!!!

S.O. get this newsletter called “Inspirations”

Sometimes, they are crap you have read in any self-help book or in some forward from Aunt Dippy-Doo or whatever. Sometimes they are actually poignant and sort of arrive at just the right time. I don’t believe in coincidences (I think I’ve said that about 8.5 million times) so I have to believe that messages reach us when we aren’t looking for them but are aware they might arrive anyway.

Anyway, long story short… but not really I suppose, S.O. sent me this last night:

THAT’S THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES

Legend has it that when India was colonized by the British Empire, the game of golf was introduced to the city of Calcutta. Aside from the usual obstacles, golfers had to contend with an unusual hazard: wild monkeys dropped from the trees and played with the golf balls, tossing them to and fro, and leaving them scattered about.

Although it was inconvenient, the players soon found that the rule had some unexpected benefits. While the monkeys frequently left golf balls in hard-to-play spots, sometimes they actually placed a ball in a better position for the golfer. As writer Gregory K. Jones puts it, “It did not take long before the golfers realized that golf on this particular course was very similar to our experience of life. There are good breaks, and there are bad breaks. Our job is to make a game out of whatever life brings us.”

Today I’m trying to better define my next move in a complicated game and I’m definitely playing with monkeys. Wish me luck.

Doesn’t matter when… mainly because I can’t recall… but I sat there on a hospital bed hooked up to a heart monitor and a blood pressure monitor. I’d had a few doses of bp meds and it wasn’t going down. The words “heart attack” were mentioned a couple of times and I watched my husband flinch.

The doctor, my primary care physician said, “what is making you so stressed?” with her heavy Indian accent. I said, “My son had cancer, we lost our business, we’re on the verge of losing our house, the mortgage company has screwed us over and over again trying to modify the loan, my husband might be facing a layoff or pay cut that we can’t afford and my family is falling apart…”

I want to say something positive like she uttered some wise phrase that changed my entire perspective. But she looked at me with her beautiful eyes and said, “But you have to know this passes, everything does.”

Which is easy to say when your job is secure, your family has a lot of money (owning factories in India and whatnot) and your children are healthy and your bills are paid. It’s very easy to look at someone and tell them to buck up it’ll pass.

Or it’s condescending, lacking compassion, and silly.

Child birth passes, it doesn’t make the experience less painful nor does it alleviate the discomfort of recovery, but then again, that passes as well, right?

Fear not, the negative Stella has not returned.

She’s just occupying herself waiting for something else to pass.

Mother guilt. It’s awful.

Deirdre wanted to go to a friend’s house today. I actually said no.

She’s had a pretty busy summer. Summer school, a trip to Hurricane Harbor water park, trip to Magic Mountain, she’s been to more movies in the last month than I have been to in the last 6 years. So much so that she is actually blogging movie reviews now. She’s been to summer plays, spent nights at friend’s houses and so on and so forth. I mean… the girl has been super busy. That doesn’t count having friends and her boyfriend over for bbqs and dinners here.

So today she wanted to go to a friend’s house and I said no. Some chores didn’t get done over the weekend, there are things we need to do around here. Julien is out placing job applications and running an errand or two for me. I’ve got an order for our business to take care of, not to mention some etsy listings to place and a website I’m working on for a friend. I might need an extra hand on deck.

Still, I feel guilty. I rarely tell her no, I rarely ever do not let her go do whatever it is she is wanting to do.

Then there is the S.O. thing, they finally lost the big contract. He doesn’t know if/when a pay cut is coming but chances are it’s inevitable. Right now I’m trying to see if a whole lot of “little things” will add up to a decent thing. You know… not putting all your eggs in one basket kind of thing. I don’t want to stress and give this more energy than it deserves.

About the time I begin to think that I’ve never had a “recurring” dream. I do…

Oddly enough it always centers around Christmas. Seriously. Ridiculously.

Several months ago I had a dream that I woke up and realized it was Christmas Eve. I hadn’t bought any presents and nothing was decorated. I freaked. To put it lightly. I ran around everywhere and couldn’t find my list, couldn’t find my decorations, and then realized that no one had gone grocery shopping and I would have to do that too.

Last night I had a similar dream. It was Christmas Eve and again, not only had I not done anything for Christmas I was somehow supposed to return 5 tickets to the local drive-in (that was torn down YEARS ago) for $200 to go buy a tree – on Christmas Eve. The people at the drive-in felt very sorry for me. Rowan was with me and it was just… awful!!! Then I remember looking at the trees thinking, “I don’t have enough time to pick a good one!” and then fretting because I thought I had read somewhere that the freshest trees were bought weeks before Christmas. Then I panicked because I went to the tree lot where we always buy our tree – the same one Jake works at and I was upset because he wasn’t working there.

And, just try looking up, “forgets to decorate for Christmas” in a dream dictionary!!!

Ugh.

I need a Yoda, I’ll even settle for an Obe Wan Kenobi. I’m a little lost and I need someone who sees my potential and someone that nods knowingly at the end of the day after I have hauled his ass through swamps and up and down hills and swung on vines and fought imaginary fights and confirms that yes, it was all for a very good reason. That in those grimy, slimy, gross, and terrifying moments I was growing, I was making progress, I was FINALLY getting somewhere.

It’s been a long time since anyone has looked at me and said, “Wow, you’ve come a long way. Look at what you’ve done! Sure, things look bleak, but not as bleak as before and let’s look at what you’ve learned here. No, no, put away the “bad shit happens to good people for no reason” thing, it’s part of your experience and that experience has brought you to some very important truths…”

Some jack off said “these truths shall be self-evident” but nothing is evidencing itself to me these days and I look around and there is no Yoda. No Obe Wan. The universe can’t even spare a Mr. Miyagi. I’m fresh out of ridiculous chores that will embed skills into my subconscious allowing me to later pummel the bad guy with some terrific waxing on and off.

It really bothers me that I’ve spent a lot of time plodding along, doing the best I can and no one says a word. Months after falling out someone says, “Wow, you aren’t as good as you used to be and you used to be awesome.”

Blink. Blink. First thought is always, “I was awesome?” Then, wait! That is the sort of comment that would have been nice to hear while I was “being awesome” not after I’ve fallen off the awesome truck and have been sitting in the gutter fermenting for a couple of months.

It’s sort of like those people who have lost a loved one and they say, “tell everyone you love them now because you don’t know what might happen tomorrow.”

What about “say every nice thing you’ve ever thought because if you ever get around to finally voicing it, it might be too late.” Mainly because you never know how someone is feeling while you think they are being awesome and maybe that moment would have been the best time to have spoken up and recognized that awesomeness right there on the spot. But waiting until they are no longer awesome sounds like you are disappointed in their current inability to be awesome and that makes it all that much harder to simply be even a tiny bit better than they currently are.

(and note here, I am NOT fishing for people to tell me I am awesome right now, please! Not the point! Honest!)

I’ve often said, “I’m so tired.” One day it dawned on me, I’m not physically tired at all, I’m soul tired. Soul tired.

I don’t need another cup of coffee, another Red Bull, or a vacation, or a good night’s sleep.

(although, let’s be totally honest, those things are pretty good band-aids!)

I don’t need religion, I don’t need to “find God.”

Over time I made the conscious shift to prefer peace of mind and inner peace to outer satisfaction. And, if you go back to that beginning paragraph, I’m in no way claiming that I’m totally there yet. I’m just trying.

I’m overweight, my health has suffered from all the stress and bullshit of the last two, nearly three years. I’ve found myself floundering, drifting, swimming against the current, treading water, and nearly drowning more times than I can count. Right now, what feels right is healing the inside.

“if you don’t go within you go without.” (Neale Donald Walsch)

Only going within sometimes leads to a quagmire. Stuck in stickiness that makes no clear sense, searching for a sign, some sort of familiarity… some… something.

I’ve always been a “jump in and get it started” type of person. I make the leap and then hope the pieces fall into place. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. If I want to redecorate a room I’ll mention paint colors, S.O. will groan, and I’ll find myself dashing out of the house with Deirdre or Julien in tow buying cans of paint, tape, and rollers and then coming home with a “I’m doing this. You’ll like it, and no, you don’t have to help” attitude. Then I make due on whatever budget I have and hope it comes together nicely. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking, planning, and prepping for whatever it is I want to do.

Back to the paint example, I never move the furniture out of the room, drape it carefully and commence with looking like one of those scenes from a movie. I move the furniture as I go, taping off sections of the wall only if and when necessary and the prep is woven into the process of painting not a precursor to it. Sometimes that works brilliantly, sometimes not so much…She says about the spot on the family room floor that she hides carefully with a piece of furniture. Ahem.

If I have a big idea that requires research I’ll research it, make notes, and then move forward with putting it into action as quickly as possible.

But, this… this feeling of stagnation this rut that I’ve been in for months… this is something that feels a lot like waiting for something to happen. I don’t like it. I don’t know where I got this belief but it just seems wrong to “wait for something to happen.” I know I lack patience, sure… but I also sort of feel like if you want something to happen you get out and make an effort to bring it about. Maybe the problem is that I don’t know what I want to happen. I know the very basics of what I want, happiness, peace, and some sort of fulfillment, but I don’t know what that means.

Not yet, anyway.

– Do not search for life’s meaning, or the meaning of any particular event, occurrence, or circumstance. Give it its meaning. Then announce and declare, express and experience, fulfill and become Who You Choose to Be in relationship to it.

– The experience of your life beginning and ending is really nothing more than the onset and dissolution of your idea of yourself as “separate.” At a conscious level, you may not know this. At a higher level this is always clear.

All the above also from Neale Donald Walsch and I have no idea why I have plunked them down here other than I thought they were interesting.