I smudged and blessed my house yesterday. I had to purge all the negativity from the weekend and there was a lot of it. I had three panic attacks in the span of 5 days. I can’t live like that. I can’t go there again. I’m learning to bounce back from them instead of letting them spiral me into depression so I guess that’s a step forward I should celebrate.

My father isn’t really talking to me. He started talking to my sister again last night. He had a long phone conversation with S.O. where he basically admitted to his wife “trying too hard” and “helping too much” which, S.O. said, was “man speak” for “my wife is a meddling busybody.” My dad said he has been talking to her about this “for years” and that she even does it at work. Basically, I guess he somewhat backed me up but also made excuses for each thing I listed in my email to him.

It’s fine, though. S.O. says at least I put a bug in my dad’s ear and he’ll probably be more aware of her bullshit in the future. I’m just going to start calling her on it right in front of him if I have to. I’ll probably make a joke or tell her to take the stick out of her ass. That was actually S.O.’s idea – he says we have to find a way to deal with her and not give her any energy at the same time.

Sometimes I think better on my feet than in long-term planning. So I guess I’ll just cross that bridge when I come to it. The problem is that she tends to do this stuff when I’m not in the room or around and I think it’s pretty obvious why – she doesn’t want to cross me to my face.

In other news, my friend with the goon boyfriend is now gone. She’s not speaking to me. I’m pretty sure it’s because she sided with him running around here on the 4th of July copping feels and slapping a 17 year old on the ass. She’s emotionally beaten down… she sounds like an abused woman the way she defends him and tells people, “that’s how he is, he doesn’t mean anything by it.”

It’s disgusting. He even grabbed my breast on 4th of July and he was running around slapping and grabbing Scarlet as well. Which is why S.O. almost turned him into a smear on our garage floor.

So, I spoke my mind, told her I loved her dearly and haven’t heard from her. She’s gone again and I guess that’s fine. The last boyfriend was physically abusive and robbed her blind – she disappeared then too.

I’m not willing to stand by and accept that behavior in my house, to my kids, and to myself. So I guess that’s how it has to be.

Today I’m tired, and super stressed. We have work to do (yay!) but I’m also having to fax about 9 million pages to the loan modification company we hired to negotiate our mortgage modification. We are now holding off filing bankruptcy until our modification is finished, in the meantime we are making small payments to the IRS to keep them off our backs. My hope is that by October we’ll have the bankruptcy filed and nearly finished, the loan mod should be done by September, and maybe by Christmas we’ll be back on solid footing.

I’m not satisfied with my life, I’m not content to just sit here, and at the same time I’m overwhelmed too. When I look around my world I realize that the people I want to hang around the most live right here in my house and I think that’s kind of sad in a sense.

4th of July bit the big one. My bf’s “significant other” announced (in between playing grab ass) that he’d rather put his money into tattoos and cars than on some “piece of shit to go on her finger.”

And she is still letting him lead her around by the nose. He, in his obvious “brilliance” was shooting off illegal fireworks (in the street, thank God) and the cops showed up. The cops patrol all over here looking for illegal fireworks. That put a major downer on the party.

My stepmother acted like a twat. Exaggerated, lied, and threw a big dramatic hoo-ha spurring my father into “protective bear” mode and nearly managing to get her clock cleaned by my sister. I, of course, backed my sister to the hilt and told my father that if his wife was a big enough girl to shoot her mouth off than she needed to be big enough to take the heat for it. This was, of course, as my DAD attempted to keep my sister from actually TALKING to my stepmother. How that man manages to protect his big mouthed, overbearing wife over his own kids – is just beyond me.

She (stepmother) made the mistake of getting in my face ONCE on Saturday night. She didn’t make the mistake again.

It honestly doesn’t surprise me, but it does really bother me that she would take a family holiday, a party, something that should be fun, lighthearted and enjoyed and turn it into some stage for her own drama. She wasn’t getting enough attention from my dad because she was going all neurotic over her rotten little shitzu dog and she had to make a scene. It’s awful and embarrassing.

This morning I’m a bit anxious. I had a panic attack this morning and I’m just completely uncomfortable and stressed. I think the whole weekend was just too much.

So today I’m going to take it easy, clean the house, maybe take a nap, eat well (healthy) and drink a ton of water.