Last week was just such a strange week for me. An email from my mother, a disturbing conversation with my husband…

Oh, in the midst of THAT stuff I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the arson wrap up for 4th of July. Remember how the cops showed up? It was my friend’s asshole boyfriend who had illegal fireworks and was lighting them off in the street.

An arson investigator called us last week because they were going to send the matter over to small claims court (that part makes no sense, how does a citation from an officer get you to small claims court?) and the investigator reviewed the file and gave us a call.

He said the whole thing looked bogus, there was no citation with S.O.’s signature on it and the sheriff obviously didn’t take care of the situation properly. In short, he dismissed the whole thing.

Although, he did mention one interesting note…

My friend’s boyfriend?

Gave a fake name.

He gave his real first name, but somehow gave them the wrong last name. Convenient. My friend clearly has a knack for picking winners. This is the guy that she told me she planned to “stick by” after he groped more than 3 women at the party and did this:

That is the asshole with my son’s 17 year old girlfriend, Scarlet, who is also a rape victim. The asshole knew she had been a victim of a violent crime prior to this incident. This is one of the incidents from that night accidentally caught on camera.

But, my friend is going to “stand by her man” regardless. Even though he is capable of that, even though he gave a fake name.

The good news is that the whole thing has been dropped. The better news is that this obviously confirms by suspicions about this jack-off. I haven’t really heard from my friend for about a month. I’m expecting to hear from her closer to Halloween, I know she has our party marked on her calendar. I’m basically done with her until she decides to kick this parasite out of her life. I can’t have someone around that I can’t trust around my kids and when his girlfriend defends him – well, that means I can’t trust her around my kids either.

I haven’t shown her this picture. No one seems to think it would do any good. Especially considering he said horrible, nasty things to her face a the party and she swears she wasn’t in the room and didn’t hear them first hand.

She’s lucky she hasn’t run across someone who just beats the shit out of her on a regular basis. She’s a prime candidate for battered wife syndrome. This is an educated woman who has taught 3rd grade for ten years. She graduated from USC! But, she’s running around with a guy who barely made it through high school and firmly believes that his money should go into his car and tattoos, “not some piece of shit on her finger.”

The same guy who has a daughter floating around somewhere that he doesn’t support and has no relationship with.

And my friend is just DYING to get knocked up. Crappy apartment, no house, but yes, by all means, go get knocked up.

This is what I worry most about when I think of Deirdre continuing to date Scrawny. Sometimes the worst example can be the best…

All in all though, 4th of July is resolved, my mother has been confirmed to be an even bigger whackadoo than I previously thought, and obviously, I’ve made the right choice about my friend’s boyfriend.

Now, if I can just make it through the rest of the year with no catastrophes I’m going to consider the holiday season a rousing success!

Over the last year S.O. and I have had numerous heart to heart talks. Last night was an exception because I discovered things I didn’t know before.

Amidst all the other stressful things that happened last fall, my mother also attempted to convince my husband to have me committed to a mental institution.

No, I’m not kidding and God knows I wish this were some soap opera storyline I was making up. I should preface this by saying that I ALWAYS had a suspicion that this was the case, I had always suspected that she would do whatever it took to get me out of the picture and I had a very strong feeling that this was a goal of hers.

She was telling people that I was unstable, that I wasn’t getting proper medical attention for Julien, that my house was a mess, and that I was a heavy drinker with a drug problem.

These were the reasons she gave to S.O. while trying to convince him to have me committed. S.O. tried to explain to her that first off, anyone who had been through what we had been through (financial stuff, nearly losing our house, and our business crashing because the freaking market crashed everywhere) and then had to deal with their child having cancer – would be going through a very rough emotional time. He went on to explain that if there were any problem it was the anti-depressants that I had been trying to get off of (and as you guys know it’s an ongoing battle) but in my mother’s world any pill the doctor gives you is good for you and can’t possibly cause any trouble.

It was one more thing in her lengthy plan to take over my family.

Last fall things were rough between S.O. and I. It’s understandable, certainly, we’d been through a lot and then Julien was diagnosed with cancer. It was a pressure cooker. After years of my mother manipulating between S.O. and myself, he was used to her garbage and, unfortunately, was used to my occasionally believing her story over his… she’s a great actress.

Last November she approached him with a plan to have me committed. When he didn’t cave to what she wanted, she got angry and decided to push me into a nervous breakdown instead. She began needling me, undermining me with the kids (worse than she had before) and it culminated in her not coming down to the hospital where Julien was staying and instead waiting to ambush us both the day we arrived home from the hospital.

After that she sent emails to S.O. implying that the two of them had been conspirators in some plan, all with the hope that I would read his email before he did. S.O. has always been honest with me in regards to my mother calling him (conveniently on the work phone that is for her boyfriend’s company) and complaining about me. She obviously felt that by having her boyfriend hire S.O. that she would have something on him and would be able to hold it over his head to force him to go along with whatever she wanted.

It didn’t work.

Yesterday I got an email from her. She apologized for being “critical and arrogant.” She said that she had done a lot of “soul searching” since December 5th – the day Julien came home from the hospital.

Which is odd, I suppose all the “soul searching” led her to attempt to have S.O. fired and to spend January, February and part of March, harassing Deirdre at school.

As S.O. put it, the first line of her email should have read, “Since I couldn’t completely destroy you, I guess I’ll apologize.”

It’s a very strange feeling to have this finally confirmed and then look at the blatant manipulation in the “apology” she sent me. At one point in her email she says, “walking away from you last December was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

Walking away?!?!?!?

She was evicted from my life after she endangered my son’s health and practically kidnapped my daughter.

Somehow in her mind she has twisted this into a “tough love” decision she made.

I have always said the woman was delusional, but this definitely proves it, for me at least.

What I realized last night was that no matter the ups and downs, the irritations or hurt feelings, S.O. is the one person I trust on this planet the most. No matter how bad things have been between us, even if I didn’t know it at the time, he protected me, he defended me and he watched out for our family. I’ve never been more proud to be his wife.

Sunday, 2/3 the way through the weekend. Deirdre is getting over her cold and Rowan has caught it. School for Rowan starts on Tuesday and none of her supplies have arrived. We’re already behind and we haven’t even begun yet.

So far the weekend has been peaceful. I won’t say relaxing because I was down with a nightmare of a migraine for 48 hours. By Saturday afternoon I was beginning to feel better but was completely exhausted. Funny how migraines do that to you.

Julien is playing reggae music, Bob Marley and Ziggy Marley. It suits the weather and the mood in the house. Today is just a family day. No boyfriends, no girlfriends, no friends. Just S.O. and I hanging with the kids. It’s as close to vacation as I’m going to get this year.

I’m mired in the bottom-less pit that is PMS. My dad said today that he doesn’t envy what S.O. and I are going through.

You know those scenes in a movie where the dude is blown all to hell and is at his final moments? You know how the people around him know he’s about to die but they all tell him he’s going to be just fine?

Yeah, it felt like that. Like I’m too blown up to know that half my body is 9 feet away and I’m about to get that glazed look in my eyes and say how pretty the light is.

Julien flipped out after his dental appointment. Granted, it was a surgical extraction, complete with IV and propofol sedation… and he doesn’t deal well with anesthesia or pharmaceutical chemicals for that matter, but the point is, I’m tired. I’m so so tired.

I asked him where he wanted me to get him something to eat, he got pissed. Lots of shit was said… always is. I dropped him off at my dad’s and got the girls lunch instead. Quite the June Cleaver thing to do. I know. I guess when someone tells me to “go fuck” myself it makes me want to rip the apron off and strangle them with it instead of putting on my happy Stepford Wife face and just taking the bullshit.

Go me.

Friday afternoon I have to meet with Rowan’s “teacher” this is the teacher who is overseeing her home schooling. This is where I get to face all of my short comings. All of the things I haven’t done… like teach Rowan how to write her own name, read, and speak Spanish or something.

Here is where it comes out. Between running a business, a household, three kids, and Julien…

I haven’t been the best mother. I worry… how bad I am going to look. Yeah, Rowan has computer skills. Rowan can say the alphabet (with prompting and help) and Rowan can count to 20…

but with a stay-at-home mom she should have been reading by now. She should know more than… well… all of it.

And don’t think I’m some overachiever mom with unrealistic expectations. I’m just, shitty, overwhelmed and very, very afraid my kid is very, very behind where she should be.

I take full responsibility. It’s my fault. I should have done more, been more… I shouldn’t have had children.

All of the above.

And now I am going to have to sit down with someone tomorrow and grimace at every sign of something Rowan doesn’t know and then worry over my decision to place myself in charge of her education.

I can’t even get a kid through cancer without serious emotional scarring.

Then there is the money. The money we have been putting back and saving because “what if the loan modification doesn’t go through” and now it’s all gone to pay for a surgical extraction, anesthesia, and a bone graft.

That’s my fault too.

No safety net, just me with my bare ass hanging over the grand canyon.

“Sure, buddy, you’re going to be okay. We’ll get you fixed up, you’ll be juuuuust fiiiine.”

Ahhh, here we are roughly 10 months since I went off the anti-anxiety/anti-depressant cold turkey and lost my marbles over Julien’s hospital. I’m currently at 10mg of Celexa twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays.

Yesterday was the first day of pushing the envelope an extra 24 hours before taking half a pill. Jitters, minor brain “zaps”, and a crying jag or two later and I’m okay but have a PMS headache that makes me want to stab myself in the head with an ice pick.

This morning everyone seemed to be moving through mud just to function. Sure, it’s Wednesday and God knows everyone is looking forward to the 3 day weekend ahead, but there is just a hint of “beaten down” surrounding everyone this morning. Things seem a little off. S.O. hasn’t been able to sleep much past 4am and usually has a headache by 2 in the afternoon. Deirdre has a sore throat this morning, typical for her this time of year and Julien woke up with a toothache.

This was the tooth that we had a root canal done on and then discovered later that the root canal wasn’t effective. In fact, the tooth showed nearly no sign of decay to begin with – basically, it just “went bad” for whatever reason and caused bone loss around the root. Typically, this can be caused by a blow or injury, but Julien didn’t have either so there really is no telling what caused the bone to pull away from the root… but nevertheless, here we are and the entire tooth needs to be removed.

We were moving toward that extraction last fall when Julien was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer took the front seat and the tooth was basically forgotten about. Until now. And, we pay for all of our dental with cash, we can barely get HMO coverage from S.O.’s employer, obviously dental is completely out of the question. Count your blessings, Stella… I know. Believe me, I know.

Still, it isn’t a small “ouch” considering that the oral surgeon’s office quoted me somewhere between $300 and $600.00 for the procedure. It’s frustrating given that the root canal was $1400 out of pocket. If it weren’t for my background in dentistry I’d be super pissed, thank goodness for “insider” understanding, I suppose.

In the grand scheme of things I wonder if I’ll look back and realize that a truck ton of “bad” things happened in a short period of time in order to have an extended period of peace and, fingers crossed, boredom. That would be nice. To think of somehow burning all the bad “karma” up at once. Much like ripping off a band-aid quickly, maybe.

I’d like to think that would be the case. If I were allowed to make a conscious decision about having all the “bad” at once instead of over a period of 20 years I think I would probably have chosen to have it this way, all at once.

When I look around at my life and how rough the last 3 years have really been, I realize now how it has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Not always for the good, obviously. Things have gotten so bad that I have to hold on to irrational hope that somehow I’m burning off a bunch of bad stuff all at once, burning it all down, in order to rebuild something better. I think somehow the mind always manages to find a way to rationalize and make sense of the senseless, the injustice, and the difficult.

When I hit another stress point, another stumbling block, I have to think of it this way. What is the alternative? To believe that somehow I have this cursed existence, that everything in my life has been one domino of doom tipping into the next? That, without argument, the bad has always outweighed the good?

I’m not like that. That’s really not who I am. I’m capable of picking out the good in every situation, counting my blessings. The modern Pollyanna. I try to see the blessings even when I’m in the middle of the shit storm. I try to see where there have been fortuitous circumstances around even the smallest of tragedies. But there is no denying that it takes a toll after a while.

Ha! As if.

Today Julien’s urologist’s office called to let me know they had not received authorization for his appointment tomorrow.

Turns out, authorization needs to be requested. Spent the morning on the phone with the “insurance” company that claims it wants its’ members to “thrive.” I had to request blood work results that should have been sent over a month ago (blood work done 07/19/09) but they only managed to send the chest x-ray and CT Scan results instead.

After requesting the info I was told I had to have his urologist’s office call and make the request themselves. I thank God every time I call the urologist’s office and a LIVE person answers the phone and I deal with the SAME person EVERY time I call. It’s a refreshing difference from going through 8 million buttons on an automated system and repeating my phone number and address roughly 25 times.

I think I have put the ball back in whatever court it belongs in and now am sitting back and waiting for the next phone call to alert me to the location of the next “fire” to put out.

In the meantime, I have two files on my desk that need to be inputted and researched, I’m still attempting to navigate the educational maze that is Rowan’s new virtual academy, and I need to write a bio for Rowan so I can meet with her teacher on Friday.

Rowan, on the other hand, is doing everything within her power to add noise, stress, and tantrums to an already complicated day.

OH! And, what is this? I just received a notice that the fax to request Julien’s medical records did NOT go through because their fax machine DIDN’T FUCKING ANSWER!!!!!!!

How might I have time to blog? I don’t. But, I had to purge this garbage before I could sit down and do anything productive!!!!