Ooo, look at me! I’m just the mom in her cotton pajama bottoms with bright cherries and blue birds all over them, a cherry red tank top and coordinating cheap-ass rubber flip flops… here anyway. Somewhere else, I’m the someone whoring herself out, paid per post and trying to wrap it all in the funny I used to happily exhibit while carefully hiding the “fuck the world and fuck my life” attitude I’ve managed to cultivate over the past couple of years.

Who’d have thunk it?

Not me.

Tonight I’m sipping on a fresh Michelada, I highly recommend it and here is my personal recipe:

beer (your favorite, but something light and crisp is best)*
Clamato Juice (preferably the Picante but if not, the original is fine too)
1 lime
Tapatio Hot Sauce (But Tabasco will work in a pinch – really recommend the Tapatio though)
Salt
Ice

I make these in pint glasses so base it on a 16oz glass.

Slice lime into quarters, rub a lime wedge around the rim of glass and dust your glass in salt. Add ice about 2/3 full. Over ice squeeze 2 lime quarters (1/2 a lime if you are going to get picky on me, please don’t!) and a few dashes of hot sauces. Add beer fill 3/4 the way up (roughly, maybe a little less – who do you think I am? Martha Stewart with her anal exact measurements?) and then top off with Clamato. Squeeze the other lime wedges on the top and add a dash of black pepper if you like (I do) and toss a straw in there.

Sip.

Sounds strange but it is highly refreshing and my version is as good if not better than any restaurant version. I swear.

This I offer you in lieu of shit-tastic diatribes from the murky depths of my craptacular life. At least until you know… after the b/k hearing which is tomorrow. God help me.

Toss a couple back for me, will ya?

* I have used Bud Light, Tecate, and Steel Kettle all work well and I believe just about any Mexican beer would be great minus something dark like Negro Modelo and geezus why would you want to fuck that shit up anyway?

I’m slowly prepping the house for Father’s Day. We’re going to barbecue and my dad will come over. It’s funny because while I don’t want to have to cook on Mother’s Day – S.O. wants to grill. He loves it.

The kids and I will clean off the patio and scrub down our outdoor kitchen, Julien will mow the lawn, and Scarlet is tie dying our patio umbrella that sits over Rowan’s sandbox since it used to be red but is horribly faded now. I’m very excited as it’s a huge spiral in blue, orange, and red.

Things are a little tense around here right now. It sucks because I wish things were different but there’s no other alternative but to just keep plodding on.

We have our bankruptcy hearing in a week, our car loan is supposed to be knocked down to kelly bluebook but the bank is arguing that it’s worth only a $1,000 less than what we owe on it and considering we bought it used and have been paying on it for 4 years – that seems a little ridiculous. Turns out they are considering it to be worth the retail value of the vehicle in absolutely pristine condition. WTF-ever. Our attorney is demanding an evaluation. It’ll end up being dropped significantly. If we’re lucky it will drop it enough to lower our payment to the court monthly.

I don’t know where we are in the big scheme of things. The dark before the dawn? A never ending limbo? Or things are destined to get worse… I don’t know. I’m trying not to slip back but the way things have gone over the last couple of weeks I’m worried I might.

Right now I just feel worried. Like the weight of the world is perched on my shoulders and I’m getting really tired.

Princess Twatface and I have emailed via FB a couple of times. I almost feel guilty calling her that now. Almost. Ha!

I sent her my cell number to give to my cousin (her husband) and she replied back with his email address. Now that I think about it… hmm. Okay, whatever. I’m not going to read more into that. That would be silly.

Anyway, that was three days ago and I have yet to send off an email. I don’t know what to say. It seems like it should be very simple and I know what I would tell a friend to do, but it just feels awkward right now.

In other news, Scarlet.

Scarlet and her psychotic mother.

Her mother called her this morning to tell her that she had to vote, where to vote and what to vote for on what propositions. She did this as a direct command and expects Scarlet to follow it to the letter. She has this girl convinced of certain inaccuracies that are nearly unfathomable. She has Scarlet convinced that she personally called the DMV (dept. of motor vehicles) and with a simple call canceled Scarlet’s license. Not just “canceled” (which I am well aware that a parent can do to a minor – to a certain extent) but eradicated as if she NEVER had one.

I think we all know the government well enough to know that this is an improbable scenario. But no, Scarlet is convinced that she will now have to take driver’s ed, behind the wheel training, then take a written and a behind the wheel test in order to get her driver’s license again.

Her mother has her convinced that she knows everyone at the polling place and will know if Scarlet was there and if she followed orders.

Years and years of mental abuse and complete bullshit have convinced Scarlet that her mother is some omnipotent, all seeing, all knowing individual who can rain down a torrent of revenge at any given moment.

We have attempted to explain to her how things works. She believes that if she opens a bank account, reinstates her license, updates a resume that somehow her mother will receive a phone call alerting her to Scarlet’s every move and decision. And, no matter how many times we tell her or how we explain to her that she is 18 and that the world doesn’t work that way once you are 18… she looks at us with those huge brown eyes as if our 35 and 45 years of living, paying bills, taxes, and raising children has left us completely incapable of understanding or having any knowledge of how the world works.

It’s frustrating.

I’ve sat back and watched her go from relaxed and happy to tense and SICK after a phone call from her mother. Her mother called and caused a problem the night before last and since then Scarlet has barely been able to stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time. She’s pale, her eyes have dark circles under them and all it took was a screaming hissy fit over the phone from that psychotic woman.

The woman uses Scarlet’s grandmother and brother against her. She has fudged on taxes, hidden money, taken money from her mother (Scarlet’s grandmother) and hidden in Scarlet’s bank account (Which she has full access to)… and holds all of it over Scarlet’s head. Scarlet can’t get financial aid because her mother refuses to give tax info for it, since Scarlet lives at home – she’s screwed. Scarlet is terrified to leave because she won’t be able to pay for school, she’s afraid if she leaves and attempts to get financial aid that the IRS will audit her mother and her mother will end up in jail and that will cause serious issues for her brother who is Deirdre’s age.

Believe me, I’ve been there, I’ve tried to talk to her, support her, listen, etc. Eventually, I am left staring at Scarlet stonewalling us because she has resigned herself to full-blown victim mode.

What worries me the most? What this will eventually do to Julien. If they get married he’ll be putting up with this woman for a very long time.

I recently finished reading “Women Food and God” by Geneen Roth. I absolutely love her way of writing and I was thrilled when I saw the word “fuck” numerous times through the pages.

I’ve been struggling with my weight for at least 10 years. It’s a major point of frustration for me. I’ve been very thin and right now… I’m not. Life is a bit too stressful to throw a diet on top of it. I don’t need to feel like I’m punishing myself on top of having to struggle in every other area of my life. And, the truth is? When I diet, I get angry and miserable. It really is as if I am punishing myself and then part of me gets very pissed for being punished so unfairly.

It’s not that it should be okay to be overweight. My health is definitely suffering and so is my ego. Ha!

But, somewhere beneath the fat and disgust with myself is something a little deeper that has taken me a long time to really desire delving into. This book helped me look at everything a lot differently. It’s not an overnight fix, it’s not an instant magic bullet, but it’s better than I was before I read the book.

Shortly after Julien and Scarlet walked across the stage S.O. had to leave to drive over 4 hours away to attend a class early this morning. He isn’t in our graduation pictures and could only be there by phone for what happened after graduation.

I woke up this morning to find that Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God) had posted on Facebook:

I tell you this; bless, bless, bless your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. Send them your best energies, and your highest thoughts.

I’m struggling with that today. I’ve been trying to get in that mindset for several weeks and for the most part, I felt I was there. I watched my brother cross the stage last night and instantly flashed back to my little “elf boy” that I loved so much. Those big blue eyes and sweet smile, far from what he has become today. That’s when it got really tough and I fought back tears as we sat in the bleachers.

I watched the caps tossed high into the air and we made our way out of the bleachers to the sounds of the high school fight song. My dad, stepmom, Deirdre, Rowan and I made our way to the prearranged meeting spot. We got separated from my dad and stepmom so Deirdre and Rowan and I leaned against a chain link fence waiting. Then I saw my cousin flying around the corner, nearly sprinting and she saw me as well.

Our eyes met briefly and I was shocked to find that hers were ugly and cold. She spat out “hi” as she stormed past us, the tone clearly indicating her disdain for all three of us, but especially me. I mustered a withering stare and refused to look away until she had to.

Several minutes later I saw Julien and Scarlet and called out to them. He looked calm but I could see something was off.

My mother had made her way onto the field and directly to him. There was no kindness, no concern, no sweetness, she had reached out and gripped his arm harshly and hard when he wasn’t looking. Julien ripped it away from her and stormed off without looking back. She was left to half-shriek, “Julien!!!!” in a victimized tone. At that point Scarlet turned around and found my mother snarling viciously at her and Julien both and Scarlet mustered a very loud, “Leave us alone! Stay away from us!” and turned around to push Julien through the crowd and get away.

The victimized tone was an act attempted to be played out in front of most of the graduating class and their parents on the field. But the vicious, angry look on her face said it all. She wasn’t hurt, she wasn’t there as a loving grandmother. She was there attempting to regain ownership of what she felt was hers. Julien later demonstrated how she had grabbed him and I was absolutely enraged.

And this morning there was that quote staring at me and seeming very impossible.