I need a Yoda, I’ll even settle for an Obe Wan Kenobi. I’m a little lost and I need someone who sees my potential and someone that nods knowingly at the end of the day after I have hauled his ass through swamps and up and down hills and swung on vines and fought imaginary fights and confirms that yes, it was all for a very good reason. That in those grimy, slimy, gross, and terrifying moments I was growing, I was making progress, I was FINALLY getting somewhere.

It’s been a long time since anyone has looked at me and said, “Wow, you’ve come a long way. Look at what you’ve done! Sure, things look bleak, but not as bleak as before and let’s look at what you’ve learned here. No, no, put away the “bad shit happens to good people for no reason” thing, it’s part of your experience and that experience has brought you to some very important truths…”

Some jack off said “these truths shall be self-evident” but nothing is evidencing itself to me these days and I look around and there is no Yoda. No Obe Wan. The universe can’t even spare a Mr. Miyagi. I’m fresh out of ridiculous chores that will embed skills into my subconscious allowing me to later pummel the bad guy with some terrific waxing on and off.

It really bothers me that I’ve spent a lot of time plodding along, doing the best I can and no one says a word. Months after falling out someone says, “Wow, you aren’t as good as you used to be and you used to be awesome.”

Blink. Blink. First thought is always, “I was awesome?” Then, wait! That is the sort of comment that would have been nice to hear while I was “being awesome” not after I’ve fallen off the awesome truck and have been sitting in the gutter fermenting for a couple of months.

It’s sort of like those people who have lost a loved one and they say, “tell everyone you love them now because you don’t know what might happen tomorrow.”

What about “say every nice thing you’ve ever thought because if you ever get around to finally voicing it, it might be too late.” Mainly because you never know how someone is feeling while you think they are being awesome and maybe that moment would have been the best time to have spoken up and recognized that awesomeness right there on the spot. But waiting until they are no longer awesome sounds like you are disappointed in their current inability to be awesome and that makes it all that much harder to simply be even a tiny bit better than they currently are.

(and note here, I am NOT fishing for people to tell me I am awesome right now, please! Not the point! Honest!)

I’ve often said, “I’m so tired.” One day it dawned on me, I’m not physically tired at all, I’m soul tired. Soul tired.

I don’t need another cup of coffee, another Red Bull, or a vacation, or a good night’s sleep.

(although, let’s be totally honest, those things are pretty good band-aids!)

I don’t need religion, I don’t need to “find God.”

Over time I made the conscious shift to prefer peace of mind and inner peace to outer satisfaction. And, if you go back to that beginning paragraph, I’m in no way claiming that I’m totally there yet. I’m just trying.

I’m overweight, my health has suffered from all the stress and bullshit of the last two, nearly three years. I’ve found myself floundering, drifting, swimming against the current, treading water, and nearly drowning more times than I can count. Right now, what feels right is healing the inside.

“if you don’t go within you go without.” (Neale Donald Walsch)

Only going within sometimes leads to a quagmire. Stuck in stickiness that makes no clear sense, searching for a sign, some sort of familiarity… some… something.

I’ve always been a “jump in and get it started” type of person. I make the leap and then hope the pieces fall into place. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. If I want to redecorate a room I’ll mention paint colors, S.O. will groan, and I’ll find myself dashing out of the house with Deirdre or Julien in tow buying cans of paint, tape, and rollers and then coming home with a “I’m doing this. You’ll like it, and no, you don’t have to help” attitude. Then I make due on whatever budget I have and hope it comes together nicely. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking, planning, and prepping for whatever it is I want to do.

Back to the paint example, I never move the furniture out of the room, drape it carefully and commence with looking like one of those scenes from a movie. I move the furniture as I go, taping off sections of the wall only if and when necessary and the prep is woven into the process of painting not a precursor to it. Sometimes that works brilliantly, sometimes not so much…She says about the spot on the family room floor that she hides carefully with a piece of furniture. Ahem.

If I have a big idea that requires research I’ll research it, make notes, and then move forward with putting it into action as quickly as possible.

But, this… this feeling of stagnation this rut that I’ve been in for months… this is something that feels a lot like waiting for something to happen. I don’t like it. I don’t know where I got this belief but it just seems wrong to “wait for something to happen.” I know I lack patience, sure… but I also sort of feel like if you want something to happen you get out and make an effort to bring it about. Maybe the problem is that I don’t know what I want to happen. I know the very basics of what I want, happiness, peace, and some sort of fulfillment, but I don’t know what that means.

Not yet, anyway.

– Do not search for life’s meaning, or the meaning of any particular event, occurrence, or circumstance. Give it its meaning. Then announce and declare, express and experience, fulfill and become Who You Choose to Be in relationship to it.

– The experience of your life beginning and ending is really nothing more than the onset and dissolution of your idea of yourself as “separate.” At a conscious level, you may not know this. At a higher level this is always clear.

All the above also from Neale Donald Walsch and I have no idea why I have plunked them down here other than I thought they were interesting.