It’s Sunday, I’ve had a few beers and one week ago today I stopped taking anti-depressants so I’m feeling pretty good. Good enough to give you a bit of background on my cousin, Jake.

It feels very strange calling him “cousin” since he is only 3 months younger than Julien. Jake’s mother, SZ, and I are close in age. Well… mostly. She was 23 when I was 15 and pregnant with Julien. She was married to my uncle (then 32) who is my stepmother’s older brother. We were pregnant at the same time and my uncle played on the same softball team as my boyfriend at the time (Julien’s sperm donor) along with my dad.

SZ and I were very close. She was the older sister I had never had and someone I could trust. You’d be amazed at how few people there are a pregnant 15 year old can actually trust. I adored her. Jakey was born 3 months after Julien in the same birthing center and same room with the ridiculous mural of the little girl sitting on a crescent moon with her teddy bear or bunny. Whatever it was the mural melted down the wall under the effects of heavy drugs for intense labor pain.

My little boy had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, her little boy had dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. We took them to the park together and attended gymboree classes together with the boys. The boys loved each other and it was nice having someone somewhat close to my age with a baby too. From my perspective it always appeared that SZ lived and died for Jake just as I did with Julien. But, I guess time changes everyone…

SZ and my uncle divorced when Jake was 3. I’m sure my uncle wasn’t the most perfect husband in the world, but the sad fact is that SZ wanted more. A lot more. She left him. From that moment on my uncle’s world was about Jake. He never remarried and rarely dated. He didn’t even drink for 17 years and my uncle used to be a party boy.

SZ on the other hand, married one of those bonehead, jocko, jerks who came from money and often talked about his glory days on the high school football team. Yeah, one of those. He treated Jakey okay for a while until SZ got pregnant with HIS kid. Then all bets were off and Jakey became the second-best… the extra kid. The one beautiful, adorable thing that reminded him of his wife’s previous life.

Jake adores his baby brothers. He has two now. They are in still in elementary school nearing junior high. His stepfather looks like Homer Simpson – I kid you not. The guy is one of those guys that attempts to intimidate other men by trying to “crush” their hand when he shakes hands upon meeting them. He tried it with both S.O. and Julien on the day Jake shipped out to bootcamp.

Over the years (I want to use his first name so badly because it would make you laugh and laugh, I swear) Jake’s stepdad attempted to get heavy handed with Jake – inappropriately so. My uncle quietly took him aside and told him that if he put one more hand on Jake EVER that no one would find his body. My uncle would give any part of his body for Jake in a heartbeat. So the dickhead, “Homer” (ha!) found other ways to make Jake’s life uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, my uncle would have preferred to have full-custody… but SZ emotionally manipulated Jake often using his brothers as leverage.

As it turns out SZ’s son with Homer *snort* has some sort of health issue that has caused him to be obese and not able to be active. Meanwhile Homer seems to think of himself as some sort of specimen of athletic perfection. Not quite.. the man has boobs. It’s gross. ANYway… so there is Jake. He’s perfect, he looks like a young Tom Cruise – no kidding. He’s stunning, graceful, and supremely athletic. So stepdad forced him into football and then wormed his way into a coaching position at the school as well. We have poor air quality here and the heat can be extreme to the point that between the air quality and the heat index – the air is borderline toxic. His stepdad would make Jake workout longer than the rest of the team (longer than legally acceptable – we have strict guidelines here because of the air quality and heat) in 100 – 109 degree heat and then force him to walk 3 miles home with all of his football gear. While his stepdad’s fat ass drove by him in his air conditioned truck.

That stopped when Jake finally called his aunt (my stepmom) and she came and got him. A week later – SZ decided she didn’t like Jake’s hair cut so SHE threw him out of the car on the way to school. Jake was going to be late so he called my stepmom to see if she could give him a ride to school.

Last year my uncle fixed up an older camaro and gave it to Jake. There his mom was married to Mr. Moneybags (he even has his own plane) and getting $2,000.00 a month for Jake in child support from my uncle – and she couldn’t manage to get her kid a car. The other boys are spoiled beyond belief.

Throughout the years, SZ was constantly petitioning the court to increase my uncle’s child support payments and the second Jake turned 18 and the child support stopped she shipped Jake over to his dad’s to live. But, not before she had made sure he signed himself up with the marines. She told him if he didn’t sign up with the marines that she would never allow him to see his brothers again. Seriously. And, Homer had a great deal to do with it because he felt Jake “needed more discipline.”

Discipline my ass. Jake is one of the nicest, sweetest, well-mannered, polite young men you will ever meet.

So Jake moved in with my uncle. After years of being told that my uncle didn’t want him and wouldn’t like him living with him – he soon found out that he and his dad got along great and enjoyed each other’s company. He was asked how it was living with his dad, he said, “It’s great. I always have a little bit of money in my pocket and dad and I always have a good time together.”

All those years of paying $2,000.00 / month child support and SZ couldn’t manage to put a little pocket change in her kid’s wallet? Meanwhile the kid worked at a local Christmas tree lot every year to make money for Christmas.

So, in the end SZ won. My uncle got 5 months of living full-time with his only child before Jake shipped out to the marines. His ship out date was pushed back once, SZ threw a fit and attempted to call the recruiter to get him shipped out on his original date because she was trying to have his send-off party and his high school graduation party be one in the same. In her place, as a mom, I would have been grateful my son was given a few extra weeks. Not this stupid twat. The morning he shipped out SZ threw a temper tantrum and forced him to go to church instead of going out to breakfast with his dad.

If anything happens to that boy… ANYTHING… SZ is going to hear from me and I promise it will be a conversation she will never forget.