Got an apology from S.O. Mostly heartfelt but without explanation and that’s fine because I’m counting and I’m watching and quite frankly, the the distance isn’t exactly killing me anymore and I’m cool with that too.

I’m down to 2.5mg of anti-depressant now. Almost there… the closest I’ve ever been actually. A friend asked me how it felt… it feels normal. Normal in the best possible sense. Blood pressure seems to be under control, I’ve completely eliminated diet soft drinks and I’ve increased my green tea and water intake.

Tiny steps. But, the longest I’ve stuck with thus far.

You know, the thing about S.O. and his apology?

I don’t want my ass kissed. I really, really don’t.

I don’t want someone reading my mind or catering to me.

I want to feel cared for, taken care of, and yes, adored.

Certainly because that’s how I feel about him. I bash him quite a bit around here (with good reason and no this isn’t the “honeymoon” cycle where I think he’s soooo wonderful now) but, I wouldn’t give a shit or feel the need to bash him if I didn’t care so much. It’s not exactly a tremendous secret that I’m on husband # 2.

Husband #1 was a joke beyond all comprehension of tragic comedy. That one really isn’t even a blip on the radar anymore, save for the occasional nightmare and the moments when I notice the crooked angle my nose has. S.O. cannot even remotely begin to compare to his predecessor, in fact, it feels like an insult to him just saying predecessor.

The thing is? We click. We understand a great deal about each other that no one else has ever really gotten about us. So, I’d much rather fix the broken stuff and maintain what I have than chuck it all because see… when I see myself old and hopefully riding off into oblivion on the back of a Harley – I always see myself behind him. I don’t see my life without him no matter how annoyed I get, no matter how hurt I feel.

Doesn’t mean I won’t make him pay for it though.